Impersonal

Sometimes I can be so inconsiderate. I am so caught up in my own insecurities that sometimes-- people get hurt in the process. I know it probably hurts more for the person hurt, but it also hurts and makes me very sad to think I can be so careless of people's feelings. I guess I think that people won't take what I don't say or do, not personally. But I guess I'm too impersonal and distant to realize a lot people do take it personally.

It scares me to think that if I let such things go on as they have for quite a while, being the way I am, I'll end up loosing many people I hold dear, even the ones I may not say so to at all. Even the people I don't know that well. It seems like the only person I can say "I love you" honestly, without fear, are my parents. But why can't I say that to my friends? What am I so afraid of? Even my closest friends cease to know my biggest fears or realities in my life simply because I refuse to even talk about them.

Why can't I be just honest with myself and with others? Why do I have to be such a jerk sometimes?

I may be just blowing a small thing that happened in to very large proportions, but to see that I hurt somebody today, although I was forgiven-- it made me realize how cold I must seem to people. Sure, I have excuses. I'm shy and insecure, not much of a talker, but even so... that doesn't give me the right to be so cold. I'm sweet, and polite, but that's all they get to see. Everything else, whatever there may be left, I block off from any prying eyes. And when I know someone may start liking me unexpectedly, I become instantly stiff in my ways, refusing to open myself up to whoever that may be.

Because I'm afraid of what could happen, I guess. Of the reactions, maybe-- I really don't know. But why be so afraid? I have no memories or traumas of being severely hurt by anybody, or hurt at all, for that matter.

There's some people that make you feel like an open book, and there's others that don't. Depending on what kind of person you are, they'll struggle or not to understand you. Sometimes I meet people who seem to like they can read my expressions. But it's all my illusion, when they finally tell me how mysterious they think I am. That they have yet to figure me out. Which is okay, so my dad says-- but how long will they be patient? Depending on who that is, I suppose they'll wait longer or not. If they really care for you. If they really want to get to know you.

And I do have those around. I have those friends, even when I might not realize it. But while they're around, giving me their smiles and their hugs and laughter, I always seem in debt. While a couple few may poor their worries and troubles to me, I keep my own to myself. And I never seem to speak them.

I guess this post or topic is pretty hopeless, because in the end I always never end up getting to the point-- I always end up lamenting far too much then needed, 'get too worked up about it then needed. I never come up with a closure, a conclusion, a solution. So I don't think about these things, because what's the point? It doesn't help you get rid of it. But I couldn't help but let out what I am feeling right now. A lot of the times I stop myself from posting much, sometimes a lack of will-- most of the time it's a shrug of the shoulder and "whatever". Like it's not important. And in these times I feel silly for being such a drama queen when I do speak out about such things.

Like a cry-baby, sort of. "What's the point of moping?"
But there it is. That's where I normally finish. With a sigh, as if it were hopeless and nothing could be possibly done about it. Yet there is a way. I just have to let my eyes see it. I have to let my self go. I must face my fears like a decent person should. Even if I have help, it's something only I can do in the end. After all, nobody can take control of me, at least not for now, as I only let my own fears take hold of me.

Blog rating, lol.

Mingle² - Free Online Dating

They based this on my saying "death" 7 times, and mentioning "murder" once on the front page.

Paracuru

I just got back from my trip ou of the city, into a small town called Paracuru, where one of my friends, Cristina, is now living. Other than myself, another one of my friends, Paula, came along with me too.

We left on Thursday morning and arrived around lunchtime. Long hours on the first night were included (we stayed up until 5 o’clock in the morning once!) The second night we just stayed up till 1 o’clock. Not as bad as least.

I got to see Lucas, former classmate of mine from last year, staying there as well. He’s still as smiley and clingy as ever, though Paula says he has matured a lot. I still can’t get to his clingy habits. It’s strange.
I got to meet a friend of Cristina’s, Marcus. (He’s totally into the Final Fantasy series.) He’s the first guy friend of Cristina that I actually was able to come to like. He joked like any guy would, but he still was polite and more than that, not tense around me. Either that, or it was just me that wasn’t tense around someone new for once! He also didn't make a big deal of the fact that I'm not very talkative, which most people tend to make some joke out of or bug me about it. Funny that he seems to be a big fan of Evanescence, and even wore a shirt of the lead singer.

We walked a lot. The streets of the town are mostly made out of stone. I was kind of surprised at how far you could walk without really worrying about assaults or anything.

It has the cutest town square, too. It has around the first half of the square, vines of flowers hanging along these wooden planks of something. And of course, it has a church in the middle. Beyond the square is the beach, I think.

Last night was sort of wild. People at the square, or just people in general, if they had the chance, wouldn’t even be shy at all, to simply stare. You know when you heard from your parents that it isn’t polite to stare? Well, they forgot that advice. Or they never heard of it. Because they were completely like : “I don’t care if it’s obvious, I’m gonna stare!” Seriously. I didn’t no where to look at first. The floor?

Another wild thing was while we went to drop off some movies, somewhere down one of the streets, we passed by a bar or something. They all stared like idiots, the people sitting there, but I ignored it. Then, all of a sudden, after our group finally passes, the group of guys there start howling. Literally. I thought it was hilarious and yet crazy at the same time. Like… where was their pride?!

It was all fun in the end, though. But I still think some of the people there are kind of wild. Like this guy who was sort of a friend of Cristina’s from her school, had the nerve (I mean the N-E-R-V-E) to look down her V cut blouse and make a joke about something of her bra. O_o
Talk about crazy.

What else? We played videogames. Although even though I brought some of mine based on request, somehow nobody ended up playing them. Oh well. I also ended up bringing 2 games, among others, with no CD inside, hah.

Not much else I can say, I guess. Good thing I decided to talk about my trip now, instead of tomorrow—that’s when I would really never end up talking about it.

Unfortunately, most of the good pictures of all of us are stuck in Cristina’s camera, so I can only show you the very few pictures that I took in mine, which doesn’t show much.

Oh, we also walked on the beach once, around 4 o’clock. We rode on the back of the jeep, hehe. That was fun. Bummer I didn’t take my camera at that time, ‘cause the sunset was great, and because it was so windy, the sand made some awesome shapes and patterns across the ground. Think of northern lights but on the sand.

Peeps playing videogames.

Hangin' at the square. From left to right:
Marcus, Lucas, Paula, Cristina. (Bad picture, I know...)

Paula is model material when she doesn't realize she's being taken pictures of.

Paula and Me.

Paula and Lucas.

Cristina, her little sister Daisy, and their new bikes.

At 4 o'clock we decided to go upstairs and get ready for bed, haha.

Me dad is here to pick us up.

(I found this one, of Cristina's pictures, on the internet just now! :D)