Words that express feeling

After reading the most recent post from Adam's blog (AKA Owl City), I feel so bad for being in a bad mood lately. You know when someone expresses something so well that you don't have to even experience it in the past to feel what that person or thing is expressing? OK, sorry, that was a mouthful.

What I mean is like when you listen to a good song, ok? Lyrics or not, if the artist is talented enough, they can create a connection with you and make you feel those emotions even if you've never done so in your life yet.

So the man behind Owl City happens to be very good with words and the subject was about saying good-bye to a loved one. Those sad good-byes that we all face at some point in a relationship. And he was so heartfelt and touching about it that GAAAH it just tugged at my heart and so I feel like a brat now for being all grumpy. Like, I could be dealing with more difficult things in life and yet I'm all actin' apathetic just because life is getting more demanding.

:(

Emotions

OK, so I've taken almost another month to post something again. I'm not going to really apologize -- I just either don't feel like delving into my own feelings and little problems that life is throwing at me OR I am too lazy to write about mundane things.

Even so, I feel like I have neglected this blog which still holds a sentimental place in my heart. Wow, what a thing to say about a blog-- a tiny space of the internet that populates my nonsensical ramblings.

I get short bursts of urges to blog when I'm sad mostly. At that moment, I am feeling a strong emotion that I want to express in words, but I am also too sad or embarrassed to express it.

Everybody cries. But for what felt like the longest time, I was bewildered by my own tears. It's easier to understand yourself when you cry for a particular reason, but once in a while I get the urge to cry for no reason at all. Sometimes it's just seconds, and sometimes I spend several moments. Sometimes the emotion is quick to disappear, but now and then it feels like several emotions consume me at once and they lead me to crying.

It's not like I'm actually depressed -- but nonetheless I felt for a while that I was a weirdo for getting these strange sparks of strong emotions out of the blue. Thankfully I had a talk with my dad a couple days ago about this and he was nice enough to reassure me that it isn't unusual to have these moments when growing up. He said that we are here to feel these emotions.

I thought these moments only tend to last till the end of puberty, but I guess I was wrong!

Do you ever have these moments?

Update

I’m terribly behind on this blog, it seems. So that I don’t drag out my thoughts aimlessly here, I’ll mention some things that have been on my mind:

1. College life and the idea of my registration going wrong. See, I registered ages ago, like at the end of last year, I think. But there are still some loose ends to tie (college leveling test, registering for classes, etc) , which I can only do once I’m in Miami. And since I love to worry about possible scenarios, I can’t help but think something’ll back fire. I know there’s no point worrying, but what if I can’t register for the classes I want or need? What if there’s a space limit? What if a ton of people are going for computer animation as their major?! Ah well... time will tell I suppose. >;p
2. Packing and ridding of junk. See, my dad wants to be completely mobile. In other words, we’re getting rid of pretty much everything we have except for things I wish to take with me to Miami and vice-versa for my dad. We’ve sold a lot of furniture already, thankfully. But there’s still a TON of stuff that’s just been hiding itself in the house and UGH I can’t wait to be over with it. I dread tomorrow and the amount of stuff I’ll have to go through. The good news though is that today I got my whole room pretty much wiped out -- that is, rid of junk. At least it isn’t as crazy-messy like it has been recently.
3. Dragging on the topic above, I have this second suitcase which I’m suppose to use to figure what I can fit with things I feel I really want to take... and I had to go through it all again today (meaning I had to take out everything in that suitcase out) -- and it lead me to realizing I’ll have to ship all of my heavy books and comics in a box to Miami, while the other half I can take with me... IF I’M LUCKY and it doesn’t weigh too much. Seriously I can’t believe how much I have! Even with all the bazillion books, papers and other things I got rid of -- it’s still a lot!
4. Also, on the topic of college: On videojug.com I discovered a fellow called Harlan Cohen, where he gives tips and advice regarding college. I found him so likable and funny that when I went to his website I found out he was also an author of several books, one of them being a guide on college life (“The Naked Roomate”) I immediately told my dad I wanted to buy once I was in the U.S.. Check out his two websites: The Naked Roomate and Help me Harlan!
5. Oh, I might as well mention when I’ll be in Miami. I’ll be arriving during the first week of June, staying at a short term apartment until we find a long term rental that is to our liking and fits our budget. That may also be hindered/influenced by the possibility of Cristina coming to live with me in the late Fall of this year or the beginning of next year. Even though that has been a known possibility, my dad isn’t too keen on the idea now. We’ll see what happens in a couple months! We haven’t chosen a short term apartment yet -- hopefully me and me dad’ll have that done and over with finally tomorrow.
6. Once in Miami I’ll start going to math review classes at the college. I don’t consider myself a total ignorant about math, I’m actually not that bad -- but going through almost six months without studying a whole lot of math (I honestly tried but it’s darn hard without no one pressuring you!), it tends to become a blur, even the things you use to be good at. So I need that  “refresh” button pressed in my brain!
7. Uuuuh, I’m tired. I could talk about a lot of other things, but it’s gonna get late and I still need to get my bum in the shower. I’ll just finish this post saying I discovered this awesome web comic this morning and could not stop reading (unless I was forced to). It’s called Hanna is Not a Boy’s Name. This title doesn’t say everything, but it says great humor, which you’ll notice once reading it. At the beginning that may be what it seems, just humor -- but upon reading more it’s got a great set of characters and an interesting story. Not to mention humor!! (Sorry, I like things that make me laugh.) So check it out and see if it’s your cup of tea. It also has rock-your-socks artwork and awesome coloring. Hmm.. I should make a post on all the web comics I love and recommend. That’s be fun!

Mommy

There was a time when I avoided talking with my mom. Why? First, it felt just down right awkward to me. Second, I felt like I could never relax because it seemed like I always had to be careful about what I said and how I said it. So I avoided her; I didn't look forward to talking to her. I guess it may seem shameful coming from her very own daughter -- but that's just how it was... how I felt.

I won't say were chums or buddies. But I've finally gotten myself into a regular routine where I chat with my mom almost everyday. Online, of course. See, I figured out how to make myself feel comfortable: just act as friends. You know, the friend with whom you have casual conversation, light stuff. And if it ever gets into serious mode just shrug it off and act cool.

Don't get me wrong. I love my mom a lot! And I even miss her once in a while. But with the separation that occurred many years ago and my mom going her own way (a long way away across the globe) it's like gravity -- you drift apart if you do nothing about it. And for quite a while I didn't. But I've gotten over most of my bitter feelings and all that's left really is the annoyance when your mom still thinks you're a child. That will go away in time, maybe... if I'm lucky.

So, summing up what I wanted to say in the end: I'm enjoying the chats with my mom, however casual they are (I actually prefer it that way, haha -_-;; it must be a teenager thing) and I am happy to see that it's cheering her up. Even my dad, who talks to her on the phone nearly every day (they still work together) noticed her cheerfulness boost. 

Next barrier left is opening myself up to her about deeper issues which I don't see doing for the time being.

I felt a pang of "I miss you" when she FINALLY sent me some pictures of her and Mo (my sister). I swear, she took forever. I started to wonder if she didn't want to show herself or something! 

Anyway, I look sooo different in those pictures! It feels so strange to look at me back then (It feels like such a transformation every time I look at pictures of myself that are a year or two old. In this case, these are from when I went to Germany.)

pity speech

It almost seems as if the amount of posts I've had this year is a reflection of how much I fulfilled this year-- or rather, how much I felt fulfilled. In other words, most of this year was school. You know, just school. Pretty much school. When I had a break, I took it as a time to watch TV or play games.

That's also fun, but for some reason, it makes me feel ashamed of myself to see how little I took time to express my emotions this year in either of my blogs. Trust me, I had a good share of emotions this year.

I know there's no real point on getting hard on myself, after all, it's just a hobby, but I do feel a little disappointed. I use to feel such a thrill writing and slowly I'm getting back to it-- I'm going back to it, I hope. I felt like as if I was shedding some skin, taking off a load, or releasing myself of something. I hope that I can be consistent and not let college trample me as well.

I know it's just a matter of wanting it enough-- but my will, even if there is desire, is normally so weak. I've learnt that this year. And I just feel like venting this out. Yes, sometimes I need a pity speech in order to get myself moving.

Back from the dead -- again.

It's strange to be all alone at home. My dad went today to São Paulo for a couple days, and even though he has gone on a trip before and therefore I have been alone before, it feels even stranger. I guess because I'm off school, I find myself having even more time to think to myself. It's a little creepy...

I almost feel like my inner child comes back to life when I'm alone at home for long periods. Like all the fears you would normally have as a child, come back to bug me. But in the end it's mostly my paranoia, which doesn't have any good fundament.

I'm disappointed that I didn't manage to keep posting this year, or really go on the computer much. Only now I have the time. I'm still waiting for my grade results-- have to see if I'm going to pass without having to go through summer school(?). I'm getting my grades on Tuesday. x-x

As far as college is concerned, I'm just going to Miami Dade, a community college, for now. A few months ago I realized the art college was too ambitious for me. To start with something big like that wouldn't be good for a beginning year(s) of college. So I'm going to the community college, and if the 2 years they offer aren't enough for me, I can always transfer to the state university of Florida for a bachelor's degree.

I finally got to see the second half of I Walk the Line, the movie about Johnny Cash and some of his life. I already 'am a huge fan of Reese Witherspoon, and I became a fan of Joaquin Pheonix after Gladiator, but man! This movie made me enjoy them even more. Can you believe they're the ones who actaully sing in the movie? I love Pheonix's deep voice, it sounds better than the original, hehe. Aside from that it's a great movie in all. Although it's sort of predictable because almost every star deals with those problems, or at least some of them, I didn't expect such a positive ending. It put a smile on my face, that's for sure. Besides that--! I looove oldies, and this kind of sweet country/rock'n'roll tunes are simply adorable.

So go watch the movie if you haven't!

P.S. Is Twitter really that fun? It's a cute idea andI have an account, but unless you know somebody there, I can't find any fun in it.

Miss you!

I miss blogging. It seems a dream, thinking back at the time when I felt so fulfilled and light. And the mosquito bites are killing me! Did I mention it's been freezing lately? We actually have winter here in Salvador, but it wasn't cold last year. ;-; Why?!

Sorry for not mentioning that I'm planning to start college in August next year (2010-- the year of the future! no pun intended...)

My dad already has plans to be moving either at the end of this year or at the beginning of the next to another city. I'll most likely be going with him, seeing that I'll have quite a few months free after school. Can you believe my dad mentioned the possibility of my not passing this year? I don't want to think like that!

I mean, yeah, I'm not exactly doing good at school, I'm a bit terrible actually, but somehow I try to pretend everything's fine and normal-- like I can handle it and in some way I'll get through it, even if it isn't in flying colors. Seriously, I DON'T want to repeat a year. And yet my motivation to study still wavers. I'm having a hard time in organizing "time". It goes by way too fast, and I'm not the person that finishes things quickly. If I'm going to learn something, I take a excruciatingly slow pace. And this year my school has given me anything but extra time. Unless you want to sacrifice every hour you have available, which is what they suggest, directly or indirectly.

You know "Wham", right? I only have a few songs, but I can't seem to get tired of them. George Michael just has an awesome voice. I simply adore the song called "Everything She Wants".

Cristina, one of my best friends, decided to change schools last weekend. She had been wavering over the idea sometimes, during those times when you're sick of studying, sick of school, and well, tired of it all. Everybody has those moments. She said that she only stayed this long mostly because of me, which is credible, but I was still bugged about it anyway.

Yet now I think it's better. Cristina is a very competitive person. A person that has an obsession over being the best in things, like school. She would normally get much better grades, and I would always compare myself and unconsciously or not, put myself down. It would seem effortless to her sometimes, like as if it was easy. And it would discourage me. It's not her fault, but that's what would happen, or does happen. It's just my lack of confidence in myself.

So I'm hoping that her changing schools with get me moving better in a more positive manner. Aside from that, it's all up to me.

From the few times that I've talked to her on the phone this week, I've been itching to make her regret her decision. Not to say I want her back, but I know she misses the school, and she knows it-- there are a lot of great teachers, and of course some favorite ones, which I had the pleasure of mentioning one of them to her one of these days, just to tease her. And well, I guess I envy the fact that she can just change schools like that, (it's a school in her neighborhood that's far from the city which is where my school is).

I don't want to change schools, don't get me wrong. As childish as it may sound, it just bugs me that she just "gave up" or "quit" on it. I want to be able to tell her at the end of year that I stayed and I survived, unlike her, so to speak (I know, it sounds mean! ._.). I may not survive with the best grades, or in the most glorious way, but I sure better survive.

These are the kind of feelings you develop when you have a competitive friend like her. I love her to bits, but everybody gets tired of one another and mad at each other. And I've found myself irritable with her lately. I haven't expressed it, I just feel it. Like as if I'm containing myself not to pick a fight. And it hurts my pride to know that I want her to pay more attention to me, 'cause I know I pay much more attention to her, and her plans. But that's another story.

School ends in November. It's scary!! Only 3 months left. This month went by too fast! I'm trying not to think about it or else I start panicking.

Question: Would you go to your graduation party even if the people you wanted to be there wouldn't be there for the whole thing? My dad thinks the cost is expensive and I'm reluctant to go if Cristina is not going to be there as a graduate too. I know, I depend way too much on this girl! I keep telling myself in the back of my mind that I need a boyfriend someday, or else these friendships are going to drive me crazy. I need something else to drive me crazy, you see. I need someone else to cry over! (Yes I have cried over a friend... )

The graduation ceremony consists of two events. One is the formal part, with the teachers, students and parents and all that. The other half is a big party late at night with all the students and just the students. Which I don't even think I want to go to. So why should I pay for all that if I won't even go for the whole event? And I doubt my dad would wear a suit.

Still, I don't want to regret not going. So please help me decide, give opinions! I need to give my comfirmation soon if I'm going to participate or not.

Aaah, I need to get ready for bed and take a shower. Bummer. So I guess it's goodbye for today/tonight. Good night!
Hope you like the post.

In need of a change-- of me.

It seems like I only have these bursts of "I need to write now" in the late hours of the night-- when I know I should be sleeping, but the energy is so high, especially after seeing a movie that left you inspired and happy, which in my case was "In the Land of Women." But that isn't what I'm going to talk about now.

What I want to talk about is what I have been avoiding, as in avoiding to write about. It's something very simple and basic, but I keep on leaving it for "later" and never do it, like many other things.

I need to write down what I want to change, what I want to improve, what I want to do, what I WANT, what I feel I NEED in order to take out this in-content feeling out of me, this feeling that I'm just letting my days go by, giving away all the chances I have for so many different experiences. The feeling that I'm not happy with myself.

I never really was, a 100%, or else I'd be one of those confident people and most likely wouldn't be going this this monologue so many times already-- but yeah-- so!

1) I want to stop hiding in my own little world. 'Stop being afraid of showing who I am. In other words, I want to be able to look straight at someone when I'm talking to them and not elsewhere.

2) I want to be able to come up to someone I've never talked to before, but I have been itching too for a while, and actually be able to have a conversation and to continue talking the next day.

3) I want to be able to make a friend that is "irrelevant" in relation to the group of friends that I have now and keep that friend in contact.

4) And as silly as this may sound, I want to be able to look at a guy who I may find attractive and be able look at him as a possible friend, a person to get to know, rather than a romantic prospect.

5) I want to be independent of my group of friends, casual or not.
6) I want to be, for a change, the person who invites someone/or a group out and not the one to be invited.
7) I want to be comfortable in my skin.
8) I want others to be comfortable around me.

Those are just some things I could think of. I know a lot of it has to do with self confidence issues and insecurity, but making a note of each goal is what my dad has suggested to me. It makes sense, too-- he said that by doing this, my brain will slowly but surely, come up with a solution, as it gets accustomed to the ideas.

Any suggestions are good for me, even if hard to hear. :)
Good night!

PMS?

My dad just told me to go to sleep. I'm not surprised, since it's one of the first times I'm ready for bed early. I mean, at 10PM. And I have my last test tomorrow, which'll start at 10AM. So I'll have to get up early anyway.

But I just want to leave something here. I've been strange lately. Maybe it's because it's the end of the year and I'm tired of school, yet I've been excessively irritable and distant lately with my friends. Today Cristina mentioned to me that Marina thinks I simply don't talk to her anymore. Which isn't entirely wrong, but it's not like I refrained from talking to her completly, it's just-- I don't know why-- but I feel drained out, with no patience leftover. And Marina's the type of person, with which you need a lot of patience, to not get easily annoyed with. I really like Marina, but I'm also a little sick of... well, instead of saying her, I'll just say "it all". Sounds nicer.

Maybe I'm exagerating. I'll apologize and explain to her that I've been very moody lately and that it has nothing to do with her, it's just me and well.. me only. I don't know why I'm so irritable, but the most normal things bug the hell out of me these past few weeks and now I just don't even join in any conversations and sort of avoid joining in as well. Hopefully once vacation is in full go, I'll chill a little more.

On friday I'll receive my report-card!

I have already told this story to so many people that attempting to talk about it now seems out of the question at the moment. I only get annoyed and frustrated and stupidly ANNOYED with myself if I do. And yes this blog serves as a place to let out my feelings, but the atmosphere today just doesn't help.

I have a cold. It cloudy and cold. I still think the guy's gorgeous even after I find out now that he's at least not interested anymore and that he might just be a bit too spoiled and maybe a tad arrogant. But maybe I'm just thinking that because I feel that my ego was injured and well... it sucks to like a guy that's daddy little boy and plenty of girl are after him and he might have someone he likes and yeah.

Whatever.
So is life.

I'm just a silly 17 year-old mopping about crushes, those things I never really have. And IT SUCKS AT THE MOMENT.
I told myself and Cristina that I may try to at least be friends. But right now I don't feel like seeing him, even though he lives so close by-- up to the point where I didn't want to tag along with Marina and her boyfriend Yuki/Ozzy, to the beach to meet up with the gang, mostly because I'm sick.

She said she'd call me back when they left the beach. They probably already have. And I would like to hang out with her, but I'm reluctant and therefore I prefer not to call and see what's up.

Why do I have to be such a goof ball-drama queen in my blog when thing's aren't that great?
Anyway, I'm being immature, I know. But I am still sulky about it. I need something to distract myself. The problem is that I passed the last 2 weeks thinking constantly about the dude. And I still do. With some bitterness, at the moment, lol, but it'll pass. I am to be friends with him at least. I just have to get myself to gather the courage.

VENTING IS POINTLESS

I came here to vent out my frustration... I am still frustrated-- and annoyed. But I almost think there's no point in venting it all out in the first place, because I just get more annoyed about it. So never mind that.

And yeah!! This is what my blog is for, right? Yet there's no way I'm going to talk about it, because there's no point. I just get more annoyed about it as I think about it. After all, I'm the one who made my dad angry in the first place. I'm the one at fault.

But I apologized for being the butt-head. He called me geeky and square, and deep down, I admit to that. BUT STILL, why does he have to continue to give me what seems to be the cold shoulder? I'm aware that he isn't at his best today. Yet I can't get over the fact that this whole day nearly he has barely said a word to me. And that REALLY SUCKS when he's the only other person at home and I just so happen to love my dad very much. It sucks because I hate being ignored by him. It sucks because when he is not in a good mood, I feel intimidated to even say much to him.

You can argue that, yes, if I wanted to talk to him so much I could just come up with some way to start a conversation. But it isn't that easy. Seriously, sometimes my dad can be so scary.

All in all, I was just really annoyed when I was eating my soup in his room (because that's what we normally do when we eat together) and he was on his computer the whole time, with his back facing me, basically completely ignoring me. Yeah, I didn't say anything. But what can I say? I don't know what to say. I'm afraid that if I say anything the least bit cheerful or whatever, I'll simply get no real response, or no good response. Like you know when you start your convo with a question, and then the person answers and then you go "Oh, cool." or "I see,"--- then total silence. This is what I'm dealing with!

Which is fine, HEY-- I DESERVE IT I GUESS. Besides, he has every right to be in a bad mood if he wants to be. For all I know, he has worked hard enough to need a break. So yeah, fine. But it darn bugs the hell out of me anyway. Like, why am I never mad enough or entitled enough to be mad at my dad? (Not that I should want that... )

Okay, so that sounded really childish right now... Ignore that if you like.

Most of the time when I am annoyed with something my dad has said, I tend to shrug it off eventually because what he says ends up being true, so I have no real way to argue and well-- it ends up being pointless. Like, why bother bringing past things up again?

But now I'm REALLY annoyed. I may have no right to be, but I am. I probably should be the one comforting my dad, or trying to make him cheerful. But I don't think that's his problem. His problem today is with me, I think. He laughs about stuff he's read on the internet, but hasn't once smiled at me. WHICH IS FINE, heck, I don't care (liar).

GAAAH. I'm such a wuss. I can't stand it.

Mood swings

Listening to: “Wonderful Tonight” – Michael Bublé feat. Ivan Lins

Wow. Time flies, huh? It’s scary.

Where shall I start? Well, vacation is coming up. No, wait. Let me rephrase that:
“Vacation” starts on the 20th. It ends in less than a month.

Yeah, big deal, right? It’s better than nothing. But I’ll hopefully be moving into my official home during this time—so in other words it won’t be total relaxation.

Then again, since when is life relaxing? Just by doing nothing, it comes up with something. Something to get you worked up about or stressed out about or sad about.. or happy about. That’s life.

Lately I have had the pleasure of tasting those famous mood-swings teenagers are so known to have. Mine mostly seem to come during the night, before I go to bed. I start to feel mopey and miserable. But there have been times where I simply feel sad for no reason whatsoever-- all of a sudden, it comes without any warning.

And I all I want is a hug, a word of reassurance, a shoulder to cry on. But what’s the point of crying if there’s no reason to cry?

My life is a good one. Sure, there’s always room to improve, but I should have no real big reason to be complaining…

I’m not particulary saddy-feelining tonight, thankfully. But if I think too much on the subject, then I will become so. So--! Let’s change the subject!

Hmmm… I am SO glad this semester is ending. I’m also happy to say I’ve made many more friends at this school than in last year’s. The people here in Bahia (which is a different state all together) are much more warm and open, it seems. It makes things easier.

Anyway, I don’t feel like talking about much else. Or rather, I would if I could— and I can, but I shouldn’t—since it’s really late.
.. So good night then!

What a movie.

If you haven't watched "Pearl Harbor", directed by Michael Bay, you must now. ASAP! I mean seriously-- it's a masterpiece. There's only so many movies that can move you so much, and this is one of them that even brought me to tears.

Whack-o dream.

I just had this whacky dream. At first, I dreamt about three women, some younger or older than the other, who supposed they all were pregnant. It turned out only the oldest was. Then my dream switched to this story of the oldest woman, who was officially pregnant, proposing to the man she loved in a room full of drifting light purple daisies, with violet wine glasses scattered on a brown patio floor. They both seemed terribly happy, but they both only smiled at each-other. The dream seemed to end, I thought, at that point, but for some reason it took a strange turn.

Now the happy couple was dancing in what seemed to be an empty ballroom (or maybe it was one of those things where all they could see were themselves dancing) -- they both wore fancy, regal-like clothing. The lady wore a white-sprinkled with gold, while the man wore a navy blue. Things like gold dust seemed to be drifting around the place.

Then, all of a sudden, it seemed like the "fast-forward" button was pressed. The man the woman loved was in front a humungo old mansion, in a cloudy fall setting. Everything seemed somber as he walked into the building. The mansion was quite empty and some parts that seemed unused were a bit rundown. I find out later (or rather, a couple seconds later, I suppose) that this man has a child, a bratty 11 or 12 year-old who's constantly complaining to her father about his lack of action. This girl also has a ridiculous amount of toys, like Barbies and Polly Pocket's, but they're all untouched, still in their plastic case, stacked into shelfs.

Then there comes another man who seems to have done a deal between the first and they exchange cold looks between eachother, although the 2nd man shows off a smirk on and off, finding this amusing.( He also seems to be quite the womanizer, constantly seen with some other lady. )

Like most of my dreams, they tend to be unexplained (I guess all dreams are like that, yes?), and so the next scene came quickly and had no real explanation as to how it got there..

The 12 year-old girl was scared and frantic, yet again complaing about dad's behavior. Her father was sulking in a room, claiming he could do nothing about the situation. The 2nd man was searching the many rooms with what looked something like a rifle. There was some kind of explosion, I guess, and then the sulky man was somewhere else, in what seemed to be a mix of a car fair and some science fair?

And from that point I woke up. o_o
I haven't had such a long-told dream before. Most of my dreams are just odd scenes-- fragments and unrelated.

Hopefully temporary.

We'll be separated from large masses of water and land for a bit, but hopefully soon we will be holding hands once more.

Dreaming is a beautiful thing. Let's dream sweet ones!

Laughter and tears were soon felt as we spun for several minutes on those spinning cups. Butterflies were felt in my stomach, as I held the hand of Cristina's-- we almost went on it again.

We truly only realize how much we cherish something once we must part. I just hope this departure won't be too long!

Ignorance is bliss?

There are times when being oblivious is easier. Or at least it use to be-- or so are some children. They used to be. I used to be one, actually...

 But even if I want to sometimes be ignorant of the problems, it becomes even more difficult to ignore these things as you grow older. Plus, "becoming older" now makes you have reason on your side-- (or so we hope, yes?) -- yet that makes everything just a tad bit more complex and tedious. 

So if I want to ignore a problem, an issue, or a decision, I can't just leave it up to my parents anymore. My opinion has to make sense, I have to be aware of my surroundings and of the people around me-- because if I mess up-- it'll now be on my record of life, not my parents. 

Yes.... ignorance is bliss at times, but it continues to be ignorant. Knowing doesn't always help-- yet it is still knowledge. Let's face it. We'll never be satisfied.

Mopin' yo!

Sometimes you feel better after crying a bit. But there are times when I simply think it’s not worth crying, because I think I’ll only feel worse by letting myself cry. And yes, a lot of the times it really isn’t worth it. Why mope, right? But then there’s times where it’s almost inevitable.

I was reminded twice today that there is almost less than but a week left till I’m off to Salvador. It made me feel a bit down, to say the least.

But it only worsened when Paula had to go back home this evening, after having slept over for 2 nights. I wanted to cry, but I kept on thinking to myself --- it’s not worth it, afterall it won’t change anything.

Yet while I was saying good night to my dad, it just came trinkling down my face. What sucks about crying (aside from the plain act) though, is that the stupid sinus has to act up and make your nose all runny. It’s annoying, you know! Just when you get into the whole mood, you have to say – “Jeez, I gotta blow my nose, hold on a sec.”

Anyway—otherwise life is good. My dad’s a bit stressed from the move and from work, but it’s good. I’d like to spend more times with my friends, but I have to be considerate of my dad and help him.

I better stop here or else I’ll find myself mopey again!
See you...

"Idleness" is some's worst enemy.

Listening to: "Silver Lining" - Rilo Kiley

When I stated sadly to one of my friends on the phone the other day --
"I have no news-- that's the sad part about my life." -- my friend, specifically Cristina, laughed and said that she wanted such a life as mine. I guess I can understand that, since Cristina makes it a point to make her life out of the ordinary, sort of interesting (at least in comparison to mine). But she wants that, she strives for that, she's determined to do so.

OK, maybe I'm exaggerating, (btw, did I ever say I never know how to spell "exaggerating" correctly? I always have to spellcheck it.) since let's face reality (or my reality, I guess) as it is. Cristina's life is not THAT interesting-- she (and pretty much everybody else) just has more of a social life than I do, I suppose. Or makes a point to have one.

That's my problem, I guess. That must be the reason for my potential mopey state. Then again, if I'm posting here, I guess I already 'am moping. Lately my posts have become a result of simply a place to let my frustration out. I don't want my blog to be only of that. Besides, if this blog is partially about my life, then my oh my-- I'm not making much an effort to get rid of such frustration.

And all I seem to have are excuses. Like but this, and but that! As if that is going to make it any clearer-- what I have to do. What I have to do to make myself happier is almost as clear as day, it's simply me that does not want to admit it fully, to the point that I take action.

As I frown and type, let's take one big problem into consideration. I am lazy. A LAZY LITTLE 16 YEAR OLD TEENAGER. I need to throw out this terrible habit out of the window right now, or very very soon, or else I will never be happy! I won't be miserable, I'll just be a little happy. But I could be a lot happier than I am. All I have to do is get off my lazy little bum (not to mention to stop slouching) and dedicate myself to trying a little harder.

Not everything will come to you in your life. One of my stupid dilemma's is that I already have a lot of things in my life. Nice things that came to me, but by the hard work of my parents. But what I lack is things that most people already have-- which is a social life that is already quite developed. Me? I act like those kittens who are afraid to be pet by a stranger. I'm not kidding!

I've gotten better. I have been making a small effort to make more friends, but in the end, it continues to be small-- I could be trying a bit harder.

I'm not saying that I don't have any friends. But the small amount that I do also have their social life, and can't always give their attention to me. So... well-- I get lonely sometimes!

Another thing that has been bugging me a lot is that I don't dedicate myself to sharpening my skills, whatever they be. For example, I'd like to take some classes. Piano classes, or maybe even dance classes! I want to at least be able to maintain a website other than my disloyal example of a blog, express my creativity behind such things, therefore making me more confident in at least something. I want to be able to say "Yes, I've been doing such and such for so many years or months."

I think that if I did that, I'd be more happy about myself. And what do you see me doing? Mentally complaining, lazing about-- like any idiotic teenager (who btw has no hormones in function, haha) might do.

Let's face it! I'm LAZY as heck. If I wasn't lazy, I could easily be doing all these things, or at least half. I mean, sure-- everybody's lazy once in a while. It's human nature. But I am simply indulging too much in it. I'm 16 years old, right? I'll be 17 next year. I'm getting older. I'm not a kid anymore! The least I could do was be mature enough to be able to dedicate myself to something. Sure, I'm dedicating myself to school-- but anybody has to do that to pass. School is not my problem.

My problem is that I get lazy when I find myself in a situation that may ask a bit more effort of me than usual. The only reason I am doing well/somewhat decent in school is , well-- I refuse to fail and the pressure is thick enough to get me going. But anything else outside of that, if it's even a bit challenging, I simply opt to the easiest way out if I have one. And that's normally not doing it.

You see how idiotic I am?

Next time I post here-- I hope I can say I have made a change. And that I continue making a change. For once, I think I can "walk" out of here relieved at such a rant. Normally rants only make me more mopey and frustrated. But this time-- I've had a enough. I think I can finally get this out of my system and do something about it. Thank you, blog!

Impersonal

Sometimes I can be so inconsiderate. I am so caught up in my own insecurities that sometimes-- people get hurt in the process. I know it probably hurts more for the person hurt, but it also hurts and makes me very sad to think I can be so careless of people's feelings. I guess I think that people won't take what I don't say or do, not personally. But I guess I'm too impersonal and distant to realize a lot people do take it personally.

It scares me to think that if I let such things go on as they have for quite a while, being the way I am, I'll end up loosing many people I hold dear, even the ones I may not say so to at all. Even the people I don't know that well. It seems like the only person I can say "I love you" honestly, without fear, are my parents. But why can't I say that to my friends? What am I so afraid of? Even my closest friends cease to know my biggest fears or realities in my life simply because I refuse to even talk about them.

Why can't I be just honest with myself and with others? Why do I have to be such a jerk sometimes?

I may be just blowing a small thing that happened in to very large proportions, but to see that I hurt somebody today, although I was forgiven-- it made me realize how cold I must seem to people. Sure, I have excuses. I'm shy and insecure, not much of a talker, but even so... that doesn't give me the right to be so cold. I'm sweet, and polite, but that's all they get to see. Everything else, whatever there may be left, I block off from any prying eyes. And when I know someone may start liking me unexpectedly, I become instantly stiff in my ways, refusing to open myself up to whoever that may be.

Because I'm afraid of what could happen, I guess. Of the reactions, maybe-- I really don't know. But why be so afraid? I have no memories or traumas of being severely hurt by anybody, or hurt at all, for that matter.

There's some people that make you feel like an open book, and there's others that don't. Depending on what kind of person you are, they'll struggle or not to understand you. Sometimes I meet people who seem to like they can read my expressions. But it's all my illusion, when they finally tell me how mysterious they think I am. That they have yet to figure me out. Which is okay, so my dad says-- but how long will they be patient? Depending on who that is, I suppose they'll wait longer or not. If they really care for you. If they really want to get to know you.

And I do have those around. I have those friends, even when I might not realize it. But while they're around, giving me their smiles and their hugs and laughter, I always seem in debt. While a couple few may poor their worries and troubles to me, I keep my own to myself. And I never seem to speak them.

I guess this post or topic is pretty hopeless, because in the end I always never end up getting to the point-- I always end up lamenting far too much then needed, 'get too worked up about it then needed. I never come up with a closure, a conclusion, a solution. So I don't think about these things, because what's the point? It doesn't help you get rid of it. But I couldn't help but let out what I am feeling right now. A lot of the times I stop myself from posting much, sometimes a lack of will-- most of the time it's a shrug of the shoulder and "whatever". Like it's not important. And in these times I feel silly for being such a drama queen when I do speak out about such things.

Like a cry-baby, sort of. "What's the point of moping?"
But there it is. That's where I normally finish. With a sigh, as if it were hopeless and nothing could be possibly done about it. Yet there is a way. I just have to let my eyes see it. I have to let my self go. I must face my fears like a decent person should. Even if I have help, it's something only I can do in the end. After all, nobody can take control of me, at least not for now, as I only let my own fears take hold of me.

DREAM

You got to wonder sometimes. What are dreams? What is their use? Those endless amount of images that fly through our minds while we "sleep". What is the point of their existance?

I've heard lots of differents opinions. I've heard on the TV that some scientists believe, based on experiments, that without dreams, we cannot sleep. That some experiences have proven that if you disturb the person just when he's about to start dreaming, countless times, not only do they become completely deprived of sleep, they go sort of crazy.

Other opinions say that dreams solve problems. Not math problems, mind you, just... problems and dilemas in our life. Others believe that they have a meaning, and are a sign that either something is wrong, or something significant is happening, etc.

Or we could just say they're a bunch of image slides displaying themselves based on our last thoughts before we go to bed, or something we experienced recently, or just something we saw on TV.

OR simply our imagination going a little wild. Afterall, what's wrong with creativity?

In the end, I guess I should explain the sudden question about dreams. I had a dream last night. Nothing special. Nothing exceptionally weird (as most of my dreams are). But it had a strange sensation to it, as most dreams do. But this dream made me happy. I dreamt of a friend, among others, that used to be my classmate last year. Now that all my friends have changed schools, it's become a bit more difficult to see eachother or keep in touch. Especially since, not only does he go to a different school, but he lives quite far out of the city. Nonetheless, there have been times where I have come across him at the mall after school. We say hello, ask how our lives have been treating us (mostly school related), and that's pretty much it, because it normally ends by the fact that one of the other has to go back to a group of friends, or in my case, back to my dad-- to go back home.

And it's normal to have short conversations, I guess, now that we're not classmates and seeing eachother everyday, but even so. I can't help but ask why it can't be as casual. As "friendly." I just can't help but miss the guy, I suppose, probably because he made my days at school hectic with his pranks and jokes, but it was fun in the end. He was labled annoying sometimes, but the kind of annoying guy you liked to have around anyway, since he made the atmosphere so much more less serious.

What makes me really wonder, though, is why all these thoughts, if despite being my "friend", I never really knew him as well as some others. He was a... friendly aquaintance, that I was able to consider a friend because of the fact that he was so friendly.

But I guess there's no point making it a big deal. I just miss the past, what I'd cheesily call the "old times" where things were less stressful, a bit more carefree, and much more silly, especially when he was there to make a mess.

And I bet anybody reading this would immadiately conclude that I have a crush on this guy. But that is hard to prove, seeing as I don't have the symptoms, aside from missing him. Besides, there shouldn't be anything stange about liking a guy without actually having feelings for him. But then again, who knows. I just find that possibility far-fetched, and cruel, since I can't possibly "like" him right after he stopped "liking" me. Haha.

I guess I didn't come here to talk about dreams, but rather the people in it, although normally my dreams are full of fiction people, and if any people I know are present, they act out of character, which makes them weird too.

Alas, I am rambling, and I can't seem to get to the point, since I don't know what point I'm trying to make! Oh dilema. I'll leave it at this.

P.S. How ironic that I post something about a guy friend just a day after I read Chai's post about her old friend. Maybe that triggered this whole thing?