Words that express feeling

After reading the most recent post from Adam's blog (AKA Owl City), I feel so bad for being in a bad mood lately. You know when someone expresses something so well that you don't have to even experience it in the past to feel what that person or thing is expressing? OK, sorry, that was a mouthful.

What I mean is like when you listen to a good song, ok? Lyrics or not, if the artist is talented enough, they can create a connection with you and make you feel those emotions even if you've never done so in your life yet.

So the man behind Owl City happens to be very good with words and the subject was about saying good-bye to a loved one. Those sad good-byes that we all face at some point in a relationship. And he was so heartfelt and touching about it that GAAAH it just tugged at my heart and so I feel like a brat now for being all grumpy. Like, I could be dealing with more difficult things in life and yet I'm all actin' apathetic just because life is getting more demanding.

:(

YES

Casey you are damn SEXY.

My cake!

 

Yes I actually made this!  The white covering is whip cream made from the pack - the semi made from scratch kind -- where you add the powder from the box and mix in cold milk really fast with a whisk. I've tried this before and I failed terribly but this time for some reason I managed to get it right! Maybe my determination was greater, lol. Your arm really hurts when you're doing it, though. All in all I'm just so happy I managed to go about my wishes to have a cake for my birthday and actually be the one who made it without burning it! I made the cake the day before.

Mommy

There was a time when I avoided talking with my mom. Why? First, it felt just down right awkward to me. Second, I felt like I could never relax because it seemed like I always had to be careful about what I said and how I said it. So I avoided her; I didn't look forward to talking to her. I guess it may seem shameful coming from her very own daughter -- but that's just how it was... how I felt.

I won't say were chums or buddies. But I've finally gotten myself into a regular routine where I chat with my mom almost everyday. Online, of course. See, I figured out how to make myself feel comfortable: just act as friends. You know, the friend with whom you have casual conversation, light stuff. And if it ever gets into serious mode just shrug it off and act cool.

Don't get me wrong. I love my mom a lot! And I even miss her once in a while. But with the separation that occurred many years ago and my mom going her own way (a long way away across the globe) it's like gravity -- you drift apart if you do nothing about it. And for quite a while I didn't. But I've gotten over most of my bitter feelings and all that's left really is the annoyance when your mom still thinks you're a child. That will go away in time, maybe... if I'm lucky.

So, summing up what I wanted to say in the end: I'm enjoying the chats with my mom, however casual they are (I actually prefer it that way, haha -_-;; it must be a teenager thing) and I am happy to see that it's cheering her up. Even my dad, who talks to her on the phone nearly every day (they still work together) noticed her cheerfulness boost. 

Next barrier left is opening myself up to her about deeper issues which I don't see doing for the time being.

I felt a pang of "I miss you" when she FINALLY sent me some pictures of her and Mo (my sister). I swear, she took forever. I started to wonder if she didn't want to show herself or something! 

Anyway, I look sooo different in those pictures! It feels so strange to look at me back then (It feels like such a transformation every time I look at pictures of myself that are a year or two old. In this case, these are from when I went to Germany.)

Back from the dead -- again.

It's strange to be all alone at home. My dad went today to São Paulo for a couple days, and even though he has gone on a trip before and therefore I have been alone before, it feels even stranger. I guess because I'm off school, I find myself having even more time to think to myself. It's a little creepy...

I almost feel like my inner child comes back to life when I'm alone at home for long periods. Like all the fears you would normally have as a child, come back to bug me. But in the end it's mostly my paranoia, which doesn't have any good fundament.

I'm disappointed that I didn't manage to keep posting this year, or really go on the computer much. Only now I have the time. I'm still waiting for my grade results-- have to see if I'm going to pass without having to go through summer school(?). I'm getting my grades on Tuesday. x-x

As far as college is concerned, I'm just going to Miami Dade, a community college, for now. A few months ago I realized the art college was too ambitious for me. To start with something big like that wouldn't be good for a beginning year(s) of college. So I'm going to the community college, and if the 2 years they offer aren't enough for me, I can always transfer to the state university of Florida for a bachelor's degree.

I finally got to see the second half of I Walk the Line, the movie about Johnny Cash and some of his life. I already 'am a huge fan of Reese Witherspoon, and I became a fan of Joaquin Pheonix after Gladiator, but man! This movie made me enjoy them even more. Can you believe they're the ones who actaully sing in the movie? I love Pheonix's deep voice, it sounds better than the original, hehe. Aside from that it's a great movie in all. Although it's sort of predictable because almost every star deals with those problems, or at least some of them, I didn't expect such a positive ending. It put a smile on my face, that's for sure. Besides that--! I looove oldies, and this kind of sweet country/rock'n'roll tunes are simply adorable.

So go watch the movie if you haven't!

P.S. Is Twitter really that fun? It's a cute idea andI have an account, but unless you know somebody there, I can't find any fun in it.

Kooky.

Listening to: "Outta My Head" - Ashlee Simpson

Okay, so I was little kooky that Sunday. But I'm fine now. I'm sane. Sort of. I still have a huge crush on him, I still think about him, and I've already looked at the 2 pictures I have of him more than 5 times already.

Thankfully my dad is a genius and managed to make me feel better about it, saying that I should just go for it and try and get to know him better anyways. Which is what some other of my friends told me, among others who said to just move on-- but my dad is just perfect with words, so he sounded more reassuring. He even understood me when I said I thought I saw two different personalities-- one at the party and one at the mall.

The one at the mall seemed normal, friendly, shy, and just plain adorable. The guy at the party was plain intimidating. And my dad managed to finish the "intimidating" part without me even saying it! It was then that I realized how nervous and nervous+scared I was about going up to him and even pondering the possibility of talking to him. I did eventually, which didn't work out as I hoped, but I'm over that part.

I seriously have never had such a big crush on someone. I have only seen him 3 times. You know what 3 times is?! Three times...!
...Can't wait to see him again though. But I'm afraid that once I do I'll be without words, haha.

I have already told this story to so many people that attempting to talk about it now seems out of the question at the moment. I only get annoyed and frustrated and stupidly ANNOYED with myself if I do. And yes this blog serves as a place to let out my feelings, but the atmosphere today just doesn't help.

I have a cold. It cloudy and cold. I still think the guy's gorgeous even after I find out now that he's at least not interested anymore and that he might just be a bit too spoiled and maybe a tad arrogant. But maybe I'm just thinking that because I feel that my ego was injured and well... it sucks to like a guy that's daddy little boy and plenty of girl are after him and he might have someone he likes and yeah.

Whatever.
So is life.

I'm just a silly 17 year-old mopping about crushes, those things I never really have. And IT SUCKS AT THE MOMENT.
I told myself and Cristina that I may try to at least be friends. But right now I don't feel like seeing him, even though he lives so close by-- up to the point where I didn't want to tag along with Marina and her boyfriend Yuki/Ozzy, to the beach to meet up with the gang, mostly because I'm sick.

She said she'd call me back when they left the beach. They probably already have. And I would like to hang out with her, but I'm reluctant and therefore I prefer not to call and see what's up.

Why do I have to be such a goof ball-drama queen in my blog when thing's aren't that great?
Anyway, I'm being immature, I know. But I am still sulky about it. I need something to distract myself. The problem is that I passed the last 2 weeks thinking constantly about the dude. And I still do. With some bitterness, at the moment, lol, but it'll pass. I am to be friends with him at least. I just have to get myself to gather the courage.

Disoriented? (I have moved to a new house as well!)

This window of my browser has been open since before yesterday. But I kept on putting it off. Posting on my blog, that is. But since I'm alone tonight, I guess I feel more at ease to type away.

To put it bluntly I feel silly for feeling the way I am feeling. I’m interested in one of Marina’s friends, even though I am aware that 2 other friends of hers may like me—or so she claims.

Not that there isn’t anything wrong with it. It’s just now that she knows I can already feel the pressure. She’s just trying to be helpful when she tells me “Sanji, he’s shy, so if you want to get to know him you gotta be with him and make conversation. “

I noticed he wasn’t the most talkative—but that doesn’t help. Like, if everything depends on my actions I feel like I’m doomed. This is going to take a long time to progress. Simple as that.

Besides I barely got to know him. I met him once, which was when I thought he was cute, then I hadn’t seen him ever since, ‘til today. That is after Adrianna spilled the beans to her in my place. I swear, she did it on her own behalf. I didn’t ask her to.

And I still think he’s soo cute! I was worried I got the wrong impression, which can be my “luck” sometimes when I see some guy from a distance or for the first time. The 1st impression may be refreshing and therefore pleasing, but I can be mistaken when seeing the person for a second time. Like where did I get that idea in my head? How disappointing.

But I was pleasantly surprised to see him today—at the mall with Marina, and Co. (her other friends etc) in addition to Cristina and her little sis being there. What I mean is that I wasn’t bringing my hopes up in to him coming, or him being able to see the movie with us—up to the point where I made an extra effort to get ready and do the whole foundation deal (I normally just use simple make-up) which I never use because I normally think it’s too much trouble and I was thinking to myself: And if I did all this for nothing and he isn’t there?

But he was there, so that was cool. I didn’t really talk to him directly so much--mostly in a group. I did ask him a couple questions here and there, mostly about what he mostly talked about--- which was school. (He’s in his last year of high school, so he has more pressure I guess ) He seems like a pretty normal guy, which I don’t really mind. I just think he’s adorable! Or at least looks so be so.

Anyway… Marina is so blunt. I accepted the offer of taking a ride with the 3 brothers (Bruno, Ilan and Ariel ) in order to hang around a bit longer. But Marina wanted us to stay longer. Several times they said they should leave, but she kept on insisting, up to the point where I only left with them around 9 PM.

But as I was saying… Marina wasn’t made to be indirect, or discreet. She tries—but she’s totally being blunt. She was trying to convince the brothers to stay longer, and in trying so she said: “Ariel, come on~ Stay longer. This way you can get to know other people.”

As she said other people, I was close by to her, and she used her hip to nudge me. And she did this with that huge smile of hers. I felt so goofy—she was being so obvious. She even tried to make sit on his lap. She was all: "Sit, sanji, sit!!" But I was all no way. That would be like a public confession!

She even told me that he’s interested. I was like—what?! What do you mean interested? Interested in what? I honestly wasn’t sure if I had heard her right. But then she got all incredulous and stomped away to the manga section in the bookstore that we were all in. I asked again, asking What do you mean? How?!—but somehow she didn’t give me a straight answer that I could understand. Or at least before I could insist on one she distracted me with something else. Darn it.

I have suspicions she might have said to make me bolder or something. I don’t know. *pouts * I always doubt things, that’s my problem. I rarely approach something with full certainty.

So basically, summarizing it all in a nutshell, I went out with Marina and friends to the movies (which btw wasn’t that good as I expected. It was quite boring. The only good thing was having Jude Law and Natalie Portman in it, plus an artistic filming style. But other than that the movie was a bloop) and afterwards we walked around, eventually sitting at one of the main verandas/balconies the mall has.

I swear, whenever I see Natalie Portman I HAVE to remember my sister. It’s scary. Oh, and the movie was “My Blueberry Nights.

Jude Law was gorgeous as always. <3