Her form was small considering her age. She seemed to have traveled to many places and yet her skin was pale. She walked as if she had a heavy burden on her shoulders, but there was still some grace left in her. Her eyes, almost the color of rain clouds, looked heavy and saddened. Her hair was of normal length for any girl her age, just ending a little bit after the shoulders, which always seemed to have a golden shine.
But it was also her garments that made her strange. It was a dress of pure white, spotless, with only the slightest ting of a fake golden border on the top and bottom of the dress. She wore no shoes nor jewelry. Just that one little dress.
She was so well kept and clean, and yet she wore no pairs of shoes when she walked. What could a child like her be doing barefoot in a strange dress with such a sad look on her face? As if she knew... there was trouble coming, and she could do nothing.
But that is merely what people assume when they see her passing through the many towns and valleys. That is what they see... but they know very little.
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10 years ago
1 said miss mademoiselle:
Very intriguing. And as for my 'smooth flowing' writing, pish posh! It takes me ages to get paragraphs just right so that I like 'em; gosh, you should SEE the roughies (rough drafts) I write! That's why I don't post them 'till they're all polished up - the roughies are unsatisfactory.
I like your description, it tells us about her looks, her clothes, and how people perceive her, and gives us a hint of who she might be, but not a true hint, so it keeps me curious.
As far as my critiquing goes, I will say that you start your sentences with "Her" too much in the first parag. but that can be easily fixed. And on the last sentence of the first parag., I think maybe the bit about the golden shine of her hair would sound better maybe like this:
"Her hair, which always seemed to have a golden shine, was of normal length for any girl her age - just ending a little bit after her shoulders."
See? All I did was rearrange your exact words. The 'golden shine' bit where it was at the ending made it seem like you were referring to her shoulders, not her hair.
Other than that, no mistakes. It's a good rough draft of a description (really good! Almost a non-rough draft). You switch from past to present tense at the end though....which implies that you're going to go on in present tense with the rest of the story, but I don't think that's what you meant.
Sorry if I was bit pushy on the writing discussion, but glad you got some motivation to write a bit! Keep writing, I can't wait to read more!
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