Listening to: "Silver Lining" - Rilo Kiley
When I stated sadly to one of my friends on the phone the other day --
"I have no news-- that's the sad part about my life." -- my friend, specifically Cristina, laughed and said that she wanted such a life as mine. I guess I can understand that, since Cristina makes it a point to make her life out of the ordinary, sort of interesting (at least in comparison to mine). But she wants that, she strives for that, she's determined to do so.
OK, maybe I'm exaggerating, (btw, did I ever say I never know how to spell "exaggerating" correctly? I always have to spellcheck it.) since let's face reality (or my reality, I guess) as it is. Cristina's life is not THAT interesting-- she (and pretty much everybody else) just has more of a social life than I do, I suppose. Or makes a point to have one.
That's my problem, I guess. That must be the reason for my potential mopey state. Then again, if I'm posting here, I guess I already 'am moping. Lately my posts have become a result of simply a place to let my frustration out. I don't want my blog to be only of that. Besides, if this blog is partially about my life, then my oh my-- I'm not making much an effort to get rid of such frustration.
And all I seem to have are excuses. Like but this, and but that! As if that is going to make it any clearer-- what I have to do. What I have to do to make myself happier is almost as clear as day, it's simply me that does not want to admit it fully, to the point that I take action.
As I frown and type, let's take one big problem into consideration. I am lazy. A LAZY LITTLE 16 YEAR OLD TEENAGER. I need to throw out this terrible habit out of the window right now, or very very soon, or else I will never be happy! I won't be miserable, I'll just be a little happy. But I could be a lot happier than I am. All I have to do is get off my lazy little bum (not to mention to stop slouching) and dedicate myself to trying a little harder.
Not everything will come to you in your life. One of my stupid dilemma's is that I already have a lot of things in my life. Nice things that came to me, but by the hard work of my parents. But what I lack is things that most people already have-- which is a social life that is already quite developed. Me? I act like those kittens who are afraid to be pet by a stranger. I'm not kidding!
I've gotten better. I have been making a small effort to make more friends, but in the end, it continues to be small-- I could be trying a bit harder.
I'm not saying that I don't have any friends. But the small amount that I do also have their social life, and can't always give their attention to me. So... well-- I get lonely sometimes!
Another thing that has been bugging me a lot is that I don't dedicate myself to sharpening my skills, whatever they be. For example, I'd like to take some classes. Piano classes, or maybe even dance classes! I want to at least be able to maintain a website other than my disloyal example of a blog, express my creativity behind such things, therefore making me more confident in at least something. I want to be able to say "Yes, I've been doing such and such for so many years or months."
I think that if I did that, I'd be more happy about myself. And what do you see me doing? Mentally complaining, lazing about-- like any idiotic teenager (who btw has no hormones in function, haha) might do.
Let's face it! I'm LAZY as heck. If I wasn't lazy, I could easily be doing all these things, or at least half. I mean, sure-- everybody's lazy once in a while. It's human nature. But I am simply indulging too much in it. I'm 16 years old, right? I'll be 17 next year. I'm getting older. I'm not a kid anymore! The least I could do was be mature enough to be able to dedicate myself to something. Sure, I'm dedicating myself to school-- but anybody has to do that to pass. School is not my problem.
My problem is that I get lazy when I find myself in a situation that may ask a bit more effort of me than usual. The only reason I am doing well/somewhat decent in school is , well-- I refuse to fail and the pressure is thick enough to get me going. But anything else outside of that, if it's even a bit challenging, I simply opt to the easiest way out if I have one. And that's normally not doing it.
You see how idiotic I am?
Next time I post here-- I hope I can say I have made a change. And that I continue making a change. For once, I think I can "walk" out of here relieved at such a rant. Normally rants only make me more mopey and frustrated. But this time-- I've had a enough. I think I can finally get this out of my system and do something about it. Thank you, blog!
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10 years ago
1 said miss mademoiselle:
I am happy that your blog is helping you out; venting out frustrations sounds like it has finally helped you out.
It sounds to me like you have friends, but not friends who are so very close and who you get to hang out with a lot and someone you really consider your number one buddy. Then again, you don't have to have a number one buddy; having a group of friends is awesome.
Also not being able to see someone a lot doesn't mean they are less your friend (i.e., I don't get to see Jahnava a lot but she's a great friend, i.e., Christina does other things but she's still an awesome friend of yours).
I think you ARE making progress. By telling yourself, "I want to make progress," you have moved a step forward. Now what you have to do is set firm, concrete, specific goals, and then make a list of steps you believe you must achieve to get to that point, and then carry those steps out one by one.
It might be a long process, getting out of this shell where you don't want to do things. But not doing things is making you unhappy! So you have to get up and act, instead of just thinking (or blogging) about it. Call people up. Hang out. Tell them to invite their friends and make an effort to meet your friends' friends. Get to know the friends you have better.
Talk a lot, and allow them to see who you really are. A closed person sitting quietly is less likely to be interesting and spoken to than someone who says, "hey, what's up?" That's all it takes, really. People who are responsive get responded to. So - act out! Say something! Be yourself, and don't be uncomfortable with being yourself around others.
It is hard to get up and do things, to make that extra effort. But it must be done.
I am sorry I am not giving you any specific advice. But I do sympathize with you, and I think you are right that you perhaps have been too lazy and now must do something about it, because it's making you unhappy.
Is the problem just the making friends? Or is your personal behavior, your quiet personality? Because you are you, can't change that.
However, you CAN be a more outgoing person. You can open up to people more. I have done that, and I am very different from my twelve year old self years ago. The change is good - I have a lot more friends, and even away from home and devotees I have people that I love to hang out with and who make me smile, who make me happy (who make me not do my homework - augh!).
So you need something like that, too.
Very interesting post. You rarely show your true feelings, girl, and now it is grating on you, it is bringing about unhappy consequences.
Just be, and don't freak out about so many things, and don't freak out about what you should be like. Just be yourself. And if you don't know who yourself is, then there's no need to be nervous, because you can be anybody!
Yes, you are 16. That is almost 17, which is almost 18, which is an adult. Some changes definitely must come about. We don't want you to be unhappy. :(
Sharpening skills I can relate to. I should be practicing piano a ton but I don't. Same with writing and drawing. That is hard to do. You just have to force yourself to do, and eventually it will become habit, and eventually you will WANT do it! Just like chanting japa - force yourself, then it becomes habit, then you enjoy it. :D See?
If you can do that with chanting, which I know you have, then you can do it with anything else! Force. Habit. Joy. It's a process to build up and apply to many things and goals you wish to achieve. :D
Good luck with everything! Talk about this again some time. Tell me how it goes. Post again, even if it's not all resolved. You need practice letting out your feelings.
Feel free to ask me for advice/help/questions.
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