I wrote this early this afternoon on one of my notebooks. But while I was typing it in Word just an hour ago, I ended up changing parts I didn’t like so much. Now I’m more satisfied with it. (P.S. This is the continuation of the one I wrote before.)
The sun was especially bright that day. And the prince had to admit, the fan he was using inside the carriage wasn’t helping. He opened the silk curtains to take a look outside. He blinked, while squinting at the bright blue sky. He wasn’t used to it, what with all the time he spent every day in his room studying. But he spotted something that caught his interest. He squinted his eyes to see, but with all the sun shining in his eyes it was too hard. All he could see was a blur. He frowned and scowled.
“Stop the carriage,” he called to his guards. When it was stopped, the door was opened for him. As he stepped out, he barely noticed the scenery of the forest valley, but concentrated on what he saw earlier and started walking forward. One of his men tried stopping him.
“Your Highness, there is no need to walk. Please, w-wait while I get your—“ But the prince interrupted him with a wave of his hand and continued walking. He could see it clearly, finally. It was a girl sprawled on the ground. He quickened his pace just a notch. When he got closer, he saw how young she was. She must be at least fifteen, two years younger than I, he mused. He quickly called one of his guards to come.
“Is she dead?” the prince asked, when the man had arrived. The man bent down and felt her pulse. “She’s breathing normally, Your Highness.”
“Good. Then we shall take her to the palace for further inspection."
“Y-yes, but of course,” the man stamperred while he called for the others to help lift her. When she was carried to the carriage, the prince took acknowledge of the scenery for the first time, but made no motion that he enjoyed it. He merely stared and thought, Yes, she must be the girl who I’ve been having dreams of... Then, with a quick hand through his sandy blonde hair, he turned and walked back to the carriage, where they started off once again, back to the palace.
1 said miss mademoiselle:
Ooh, sandy blonde hair! I LOVE sandy blonde hair!
Of course, I only fall in love with blonde fictional people. In reality, I'm more into brunettes. But blonde-haired guys are cool in fiction! Like Arthur, in various King Arthur stories where he has blonde hair, he's a cute blondie.
Anyway...I really like this. The prince sounds like he's not a wimp who lets his servants order him around (meaning, he has snobbish habits, but that's expected since he's a prince), and he has the consideration to stop at something curious on the road and not just be totally self-centered in his life and his carraige and whatnot.
Your descriptions are good, but I would like to know more details on what our prince here looks like. You make the reader curious by mentioning that he's been having dreams of this girl he doesn't even know, and I'm glad he's taking her back with him, that's cool and nice of him.
I would say more, but basically the mood that this new scene and prince character gives me is a jumping-in-my-seat "What's gonna happen NEXT?!" mood.
So...in a nutshell, I say, WRITE MORE! More more more! I like the prince's gentlemanly manners and mysterious dreams, and wonder how the girl will react when she wakes up!
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