Sometimes I can be so inconsiderate. I am so caught up in my own insecurities that sometimes-- people get hurt in the process. I know it probably hurts more for the person hurt, but it also hurts and makes me very sad to think I can be so careless of people's feelings. I guess I think that people won't take what I don't say or do, not personally. But I guess I'm too impersonal and distant to realize a lot people do take it personally.
It scares me to think that if I let such things go on as they have for quite a while, being the way I am, I'll end up loosing many people I hold dear, even the ones I may not say so to at all. Even the people I don't know that well. It seems like the only person I can say "I love you" honestly, without fear, are my parents. But why can't I say that to my friends? What am I so afraid of? Even my closest friends cease to know my biggest fears or realities in my life simply because I refuse to even talk about them.
Why can't I be just honest with myself and with others? Why do I have to be such a jerk sometimes?
I may be just blowing a small thing that happened in to very large proportions, but to see that I hurt somebody today, although I was forgiven-- it made me realize how cold I must seem to people. Sure, I have excuses. I'm shy and insecure, not much of a talker, but even so... that doesn't give me the right to be so cold. I'm sweet, and polite, but that's all they get to see. Everything else, whatever there may be left, I block off from any prying eyes. And when I know someone may start liking me unexpectedly, I become instantly stiff in my ways, refusing to open myself up to whoever that may be.
Because I'm afraid of what could happen, I guess. Of the reactions, maybe-- I really don't know. But why be so afraid? I have no memories or traumas of being severely hurt by anybody, or hurt at all, for that matter.
There's some people that make you feel like an open book, and there's others that don't. Depending on what kind of person you are, they'll struggle or not to understand you. Sometimes I meet people who seem to like they can read my expressions. But it's all my illusion, when they finally tell me how mysterious they think I am. That they have yet to figure me out. Which is okay, so my dad says-- but how long will they be patient? Depending on who that is, I suppose they'll wait longer or not. If they really care for you. If they really want to get to know you.
And I do have those around. I have those friends, even when I might not realize it. But while they're around, giving me their smiles and their hugs and laughter, I always seem in debt. While a couple few may poor their worries and troubles to me, I keep my own to myself. And I never seem to speak them.
I guess this post or topic is pretty hopeless, because in the end I always never end up getting to the point-- I always end up lamenting far too much then needed, 'get too worked up about it then needed. I never come up with a closure, a conclusion, a solution. So I don't think about these things, because what's the point? It doesn't help you get rid of it. But I couldn't help but let out what I am feeling right now. A lot of the times I stop myself from posting much, sometimes a lack of will-- most of the time it's a shrug of the shoulder and "whatever". Like it's not important. And in these times I feel silly for being such a drama queen when I do speak out about such things.
Like a cry-baby, sort of. "What's the point of moping?"
But there it is. That's where I normally finish. With a sigh, as if it were hopeless and nothing could be possibly done about it. Yet there is a way. I just have to let my eyes see it. I have to let my self go. I must face my fears like a decent person should. Even if I have help, it's something only I can do in the end. After all, nobody can take control of me, at least not for now, as I only let my own fears take hold of me.
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10 years ago
1 said miss mademoiselle:
Please, PLEASE, don't wave things like this away. If life is distressing you, you SHOULD post about it, don't wave it away. I would love to help you with anything that troubles you.
Seriously, what are blogs for? Type all the stuff that is happening to you, don't be embarassed. Don't feel like you're a drama queen, 'cause you're not. Look at all the stuff I post! Lots of it is embarassing. But I post it because, getting it out REALLY helps. It makes me feel better.
So I think if you get all this stuff off your chest by posting about it, you'll feel a LOT better. So please, don't be shy, or say "whatever." Post. Vent out your feelings.
I wish you would tell me what happened so that I could understand it more and therefore help you more.
I am sorry to hear that this issue is haunting you and has been for a while. It sounds like you need some advice.
I know it's hard to open up to people. I feel very closed like this often, too. When I am amongst people I don't know, or am intimidated by, I can also be like this - very quiet, very shy, insecure, perhaps unintentionally cold.
It's hard to push yourself to get past that fear, and just open yourself up to people, especially when you fear that opening up will bring about some terrible consequence, or if you fear someone will be mean to you. All I can say is, try and push yourself to just take that tiny step, and open up. Then, you won't be perceived as cold.
Also, although it may be safe by remain mysterious, I think that it is detrimental to you. I think that by turtling yourself like that, you are missing opportunities to make more relationships with people.
I am sorry if what I am saying sounds critical, instead of encouraging. But I think in the long run, this coldness will only make you more sad and you will miss out on good things. So I think you should work on being more open with people, so that you can be happy in a short time - soon.
As far as how to open up to people...hmmm. I would say, just be yourself, and don't be afraid that what you say will bring about something bad. Say what is on your mind, and do not hide away so much.
Also, a good way to get people talking, to break the awkward ice, is to ask them things about themselves. My mother tells me, people always like talking about themselves (well, you are shy so maybe not you, but less shy people, yes).
And it is OK to be shy. There are other shy people out there in the world. So do not feel like some weirdo because you are quiet or shy. But, if you feel you are cold and are hurting people, then, just try to be warmer. Try to not hide who you really are. These people are all nice, kind people, and they want to know the real you. So try to give them that chance to know you. Show your true colors, true self, feelings, etc.
Perhaps you have heard all this before. Maybe you have thought of all this in your mind, and still you are resisting, and remaining this cold person. Like you said though - it is up to you. So all you can do is try. If you want help being motivated, come to me and I will try my best to help you.
It sounds to me like you are longing for people to understand you more, for people to be able to read you. So, you must change yourself. Become more readable. Be more relaxed, and open, and try to show people that you want to be understood. People thrive on love, so don't be unreceptive. Don't be afraid to just be this warm, kind, sweet person that you are. And if you are not sweet all the time, so what? No one can be sweet all the time. You don't have to be perfect; you don't have to conform your personality according to the people around you. Just be yourself, though. Allow yourself to be angry, to be sad, etc.
Don't hide the true you away in some box that you only open up at your house. OK?
Try to just react however you really feel, and not bottle up, or worry about people judging you.
Also, relax a bit, ok? Sounds like you get uptight and forget to breathe. Relax. You are probably not at all as cold as you think. Your friends love you, and they know you love them even if you don't say it. They haven't been pushed away from you yet, so obviously you are not some terrible person; so relax, and try not to get too worried about everything, ok?
hugs hugs,
Rain-drop
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