pity speech

It almost seems as if the amount of posts I've had this year is a reflection of how much I fulfilled this year-- or rather, how much I felt fulfilled. In other words, most of this year was school. You know, just school. Pretty much school. When I had a break, I took it as a time to watch TV or play games.

That's also fun, but for some reason, it makes me feel ashamed of myself to see how little I took time to express my emotions this year in either of my blogs. Trust me, I had a good share of emotions this year.

I know there's no real point on getting hard on myself, after all, it's just a hobby, but I do feel a little disappointed. I use to feel such a thrill writing and slowly I'm getting back to it-- I'm going back to it, I hope. I felt like as if I was shedding some skin, taking off a load, or releasing myself of something. I hope that I can be consistent and not let college trample me as well.

I know it's just a matter of wanting it enough-- but my will, even if there is desire, is normally so weak. I've learnt that this year. And I just feel like venting this out. Yes, sometimes I need a pity speech in order to get myself moving.

I've made pancakes!

Yes, pancakes! I dreamed of making them someday-- on my own. It's been years since I've had them. I remember when I was a kid I'd be at a friend's house and his dad would make pancakes. *-*

The insides came out a little mushy, though. I guess I should have been more patient and let them on the frying pan a little longer. I honestly don't remember how they're supposed to be, other than fluffy, maybe? For the first try they were okay, I guess. I only wish I has whip-cream-- that would have completed it!

Today I got my final report card and I passed! I had never been so nervous to get my grades-- I was even scared to open the envelope and see, so one of the staff opened it for me. I'm going to miss school, especially this particular school. Even though it's considered one of the more tough and disciplined ones, I dunno why-- I really liked it. The teachers, the people, the staff. Everything. I complained a ton this year, but all in all, I still love the school. On my way there I also got to see Marina, a friend from last year which I barely got to see this year, 'cause she continued to study in the afternoon and not in the morning like me. I haven't even mentioned to her that I'm going to go to Florida soon. x_x I feel a little guilty about that.

I'm glad I passed "straight through", despite it not being with flying colors-- but I'm sorta stumped that I don't have summer school-- 'cause it was going to be the excuse to see my other classmates. Not to say I can't go stop by the school still, since those who are going through to the 2nd level of the university/college entrance exam are still going to class. But I'm almost positive someone's gonna have to push me in order to go there.

I'm overall happy about today. Did I mention that while my dad has been away I've been watching a lot of TV? Yeah, a lot! Shameful me. ¬o¬ I can't help it, it's fun as "company".

Back from the dead -- again.

It's strange to be all alone at home. My dad went today to São Paulo for a couple days, and even though he has gone on a trip before and therefore I have been alone before, it feels even stranger. I guess because I'm off school, I find myself having even more time to think to myself. It's a little creepy...

I almost feel like my inner child comes back to life when I'm alone at home for long periods. Like all the fears you would normally have as a child, come back to bug me. But in the end it's mostly my paranoia, which doesn't have any good fundament.

I'm disappointed that I didn't manage to keep posting this year, or really go on the computer much. Only now I have the time. I'm still waiting for my grade results-- have to see if I'm going to pass without having to go through summer school(?). I'm getting my grades on Tuesday. x-x

As far as college is concerned, I'm just going to Miami Dade, a community college, for now. A few months ago I realized the art college was too ambitious for me. To start with something big like that wouldn't be good for a beginning year(s) of college. So I'm going to the community college, and if the 2 years they offer aren't enough for me, I can always transfer to the state university of Florida for a bachelor's degree.

I finally got to see the second half of I Walk the Line, the movie about Johnny Cash and some of his life. I already 'am a huge fan of Reese Witherspoon, and I became a fan of Joaquin Pheonix after Gladiator, but man! This movie made me enjoy them even more. Can you believe they're the ones who actaully sing in the movie? I love Pheonix's deep voice, it sounds better than the original, hehe. Aside from that it's a great movie in all. Although it's sort of predictable because almost every star deals with those problems, or at least some of them, I didn't expect such a positive ending. It put a smile on my face, that's for sure. Besides that--! I looove oldies, and this kind of sweet country/rock'n'roll tunes are simply adorable.

So go watch the movie if you haven't!

P.S. Is Twitter really that fun? It's a cute idea andI have an account, but unless you know somebody there, I can't find any fun in it.

Miss you!

I miss blogging. It seems a dream, thinking back at the time when I felt so fulfilled and light. And the mosquito bites are killing me! Did I mention it's been freezing lately? We actually have winter here in Salvador, but it wasn't cold last year. ;-; Why?!

Sorry for not mentioning that I'm planning to start college in August next year (2010-- the year of the future! no pun intended...)

My dad already has plans to be moving either at the end of this year or at the beginning of the next to another city. I'll most likely be going with him, seeing that I'll have quite a few months free after school. Can you believe my dad mentioned the possibility of my not passing this year? I don't want to think like that!

I mean, yeah, I'm not exactly doing good at school, I'm a bit terrible actually, but somehow I try to pretend everything's fine and normal-- like I can handle it and in some way I'll get through it, even if it isn't in flying colors. Seriously, I DON'T want to repeat a year. And yet my motivation to study still wavers. I'm having a hard time in organizing "time". It goes by way too fast, and I'm not the person that finishes things quickly. If I'm going to learn something, I take a excruciatingly slow pace. And this year my school has given me anything but extra time. Unless you want to sacrifice every hour you have available, which is what they suggest, directly or indirectly.

You know "Wham", right? I only have a few songs, but I can't seem to get tired of them. George Michael just has an awesome voice. I simply adore the song called "Everything She Wants".

Cristina, one of my best friends, decided to change schools last weekend. She had been wavering over the idea sometimes, during those times when you're sick of studying, sick of school, and well, tired of it all. Everybody has those moments. She said that she only stayed this long mostly because of me, which is credible, but I was still bugged about it anyway.

Yet now I think it's better. Cristina is a very competitive person. A person that has an obsession over being the best in things, like school. She would normally get much better grades, and I would always compare myself and unconsciously or not, put myself down. It would seem effortless to her sometimes, like as if it was easy. And it would discourage me. It's not her fault, but that's what would happen, or does happen. It's just my lack of confidence in myself.

So I'm hoping that her changing schools with get me moving better in a more positive manner. Aside from that, it's all up to me.

From the few times that I've talked to her on the phone this week, I've been itching to make her regret her decision. Not to say I want her back, but I know she misses the school, and she knows it-- there are a lot of great teachers, and of course some favorite ones, which I had the pleasure of mentioning one of them to her one of these days, just to tease her. And well, I guess I envy the fact that she can just change schools like that, (it's a school in her neighborhood that's far from the city which is where my school is).

I don't want to change schools, don't get me wrong. As childish as it may sound, it just bugs me that she just "gave up" or "quit" on it. I want to be able to tell her at the end of year that I stayed and I survived, unlike her, so to speak (I know, it sounds mean! ._.). I may not survive with the best grades, or in the most glorious way, but I sure better survive.

These are the kind of feelings you develop when you have a competitive friend like her. I love her to bits, but everybody gets tired of one another and mad at each other. And I've found myself irritable with her lately. I haven't expressed it, I just feel it. Like as if I'm containing myself not to pick a fight. And it hurts my pride to know that I want her to pay more attention to me, 'cause I know I pay much more attention to her, and her plans. But that's another story.

School ends in November. It's scary!! Only 3 months left. This month went by too fast! I'm trying not to think about it or else I start panicking.

Question: Would you go to your graduation party even if the people you wanted to be there wouldn't be there for the whole thing? My dad thinks the cost is expensive and I'm reluctant to go if Cristina is not going to be there as a graduate too. I know, I depend way too much on this girl! I keep telling myself in the back of my mind that I need a boyfriend someday, or else these friendships are going to drive me crazy. I need something else to drive me crazy, you see. I need someone else to cry over! (Yes I have cried over a friend... )

The graduation ceremony consists of two events. One is the formal part, with the teachers, students and parents and all that. The other half is a big party late at night with all the students and just the students. Which I don't even think I want to go to. So why should I pay for all that if I won't even go for the whole event? And I doubt my dad would wear a suit.

Still, I don't want to regret not going. So please help me decide, give opinions! I need to give my comfirmation soon if I'm going to participate or not.

Aaah, I need to get ready for bed and take a shower. Bummer. So I guess it's goodbye for today/tonight. Good night!
Hope you like the post.

I'm back I think

Listening to: Celia - Tom Grant

If you like listening to piano solos, listen to Tom Grant. His songs are so beautiful and smooth. You know when someone plays masterfully once you feel the tug of every note in your "heart".

Miami was fun.It was strange to be there after such a long time, though. I almost thought the place was too empty. I kept on thinking, where are all the people? Because I live in a city where there's always people out and about, especially on foot, which is a rarity in the US I guess.

Sadly I could not enjoy Miami as much as I wanted to. We went to do our shopping mostly, and occasionally we went to a restaurant, but a lot of it was expensive. I was raining a lot as well, but thankfully it was only for an hour or two. I also got to the visit the college I was interested in (Miami Dade College), and by doing so I ended up asking for papers for another college (World School of the Arts), which is a parter of the of the other college.

I'm going to have to do a 10-20 page portfolio, and send it in hopefully by October or November. Unfortunately there are only so many dates available, so I'm going to have to call in and make an "appointment", I think... There's also the general application form to send in as well. I still have to fill that up.

I'm trying to have myself draw something for the portfolio without thinking to much about how it turns out (the drawing). I guess I'm nervous because I'm not the most talented in all the areas, and now I wish I had more practice.

I'm really tired, and for some reason, I'm not in a very good mood right now. So I'm going to take a shower now and hope that I don't wake up from my dad coming back.

Last minutes of freedom

I'm using my last couple minutes of freedom to blog quickly. It feels so good to have a computer to myself! See, almost 2 months ago, (or was it just a month ago?) my laptop died on me, officially. And I lost all that was on it too... I'm trying not think about that.

So today, my dad was able to set up our old PC for me, for the time being. It's so strange to type on these big keypad. I'm more prone to typos on this thing.

This year of school has been crazy. Almost everything I never let myself do as a student, I've let happen this year. My grades have gone down to some pitiful numbers, and I've gotten envious any possible person that is having fun.

I'm slowly getting out of that phase. I'm starting ot get motivated gaain. It's just been a struggle this year, to find the drive and will. The years before weren't that hard to make motivation with.

I'm glad I still remember my blogger password, or else I'd be screwed here too. .-.

I have good news, though. Vacation is starting in only 3 more weeks! I have only 2 more weeks which include testes on Saturday, and then I'm off the hook for a few more weeks! Thank god.

I swear, though, that these 4 months went by really really really fast. I seem to say that every year, but this school made me so busy this time, it's not funny.

It's nearly 9:30 and I need to go to bed x-x I was especially tired today because yesterday I stayed up really late at a friend's party, despite the fact that the party sucked in my opinion. It was supposed to be a late b-day party. The music for half the time was lame, too noisy. And yeah, mostly noise. I also couldn't get myself to be comfortable, 'cause there were so many people I didn't know.

The guy's there sure knew how to dance, though. There were some good-looking ones, too. But the one I had my eyes on had a girlfriend with him and he was plain scary anyway. You know how beauty can be intimidating. I say the more good-looking they are, the more scary it is to approach them. That's why cute is sometimes better.

I want to write, but I haven't had time. I'm thinking of writing a short story. Any suggestions on what? Give me theme!

what title should I put? ?_?;

I felt so inspired to study today. I did start a little later than I should have, and I had big hopes to be able to study Chemistry and a little bit of Biology, but I didn't even manage to study all of Chemistry. I'm just too slow...

I'm not going to let myself get stressed out yet, though. That has been my strategy lately-- no stress! Stress leads you to ruin, at times. Or panicking.

I'm a hard working student at some times, but lazy in comparison to some others. Daddy-o says I should not just focus on studying. And he's right! But I have such a hard time on trying to do my best on school while focusing on other things. In that sense I'm not a good multi-tasker.

Yeck, why do I always start with school t-t As if it it'll be so important to me in the next couple years, right? But I have this complex that tells me I need to prove myself capable. Me dad only wants me to pass, and so do I, but I want to pass with good grades, with great grades. Not just okay grades. ~_~

Nya, whatever. I have to figure out a balance somehow. I need to keep school out of this blog somehow. It eats up all my posts and takes out all the quirkiness.

Speaking of quirkiness-- check out a band called The Boy Least Likely To. They are very cool and sweet and odd! Sadly I haven;t been able to find all the songs I wanted for download. Go to their website.

One recommendation is "Every Goliath Has Its David". A lot of their songs are so happy and cute. Some songs can get their dark side too, though. But seriously, take a look! Another song that's great as well, and more easy to find, is "Be Gentle with Me". And well-- the others ones are awesome too! -->(Balloon On A Broken String!) Too bad they don't have all the songs of their new album on the site. ;o One reviewer said that if your plushies and teddybears started a band, these would be the songs they'd be singing. XD

Oh and of course they are British. Good ol' brits make good music, interesting and creative stuff-- let's admit it!


Ramble-y post. Not what I wanted. And it's 9PM AHHHH!!! ToT I have to be ready by 9:30 for bed.
I sound like such a kid here, lol.

In need of a change-- of me.

It seems like I only have these bursts of "I need to write now" in the late hours of the night-- when I know I should be sleeping, but the energy is so high, especially after seeing a movie that left you inspired and happy, which in my case was "In the Land of Women." But that isn't what I'm going to talk about now.

What I want to talk about is what I have been avoiding, as in avoiding to write about. It's something very simple and basic, but I keep on leaving it for "later" and never do it, like many other things.

I need to write down what I want to change, what I want to improve, what I want to do, what I WANT, what I feel I NEED in order to take out this in-content feeling out of me, this feeling that I'm just letting my days go by, giving away all the chances I have for so many different experiences. The feeling that I'm not happy with myself.

I never really was, a 100%, or else I'd be one of those confident people and most likely wouldn't be going this this monologue so many times already-- but yeah-- so!

1) I want to stop hiding in my own little world. 'Stop being afraid of showing who I am. In other words, I want to be able to look straight at someone when I'm talking to them and not elsewhere.

2) I want to be able to come up to someone I've never talked to before, but I have been itching too for a while, and actually be able to have a conversation and to continue talking the next day.

3) I want to be able to make a friend that is "irrelevant" in relation to the group of friends that I have now and keep that friend in contact.

4) And as silly as this may sound, I want to be able to look at a guy who I may find attractive and be able look at him as a possible friend, a person to get to know, rather than a romantic prospect.

5) I want to be independent of my group of friends, casual or not.
6) I want to be, for a change, the person who invites someone/or a group out and not the one to be invited.
7) I want to be comfortable in my skin.
8) I want others to be comfortable around me.

Those are just some things I could think of. I know a lot of it has to do with self confidence issues and insecurity, but making a note of each goal is what my dad has suggested to me. It makes sense, too-- he said that by doing this, my brain will slowly but surely, come up with a solution, as it gets accustomed to the ideas.

Any suggestions are good for me, even if hard to hear. :)
Good night!