Maybe that's just growing up for you.

I guess one of the reasons why I am not feelings as willing or determined about my tests despite my nervousness and all, is because I am not exactly that very anxious for the end of the year, even for vacation.

Normally I'd pretty much love it, but I think it's because I know so many things will change as this year ends, and a new one begins. Sure, it's a no-brainer, right? But yet... I am not sure I should be sad, happy, scared, or excited. I seem to be feeling all of those every time I think about the things that might go on.

For one thing, I know for sure we will have to move to a new apartment or whatever, since our current apartment has become too expensive.

Yet then my dad has also brought up the issue/possability of moving out of Fortaleza, and that's it's only a question of time and when.

I've also made it seem as if I want to visit my mom in Germany during vacation. Which I do, but her enthusiasm startled me and well, if I manage to (depending if my Brazilian passport can be renewed in time) go to see her, I am sort of aprehensive on what it could bring. It could be bad, or good, or simply both. My image and opinion of my mom has simply changed a lot in my eyes since the past couple years, and I feel worried to know that I've come to find it very difficult to truly trust my mom again. To open up to her again.

In other matters, there's also the sad fact that I will have to see Cristina off, moving all the way to U.S.A., Florida. (Yeah, crazy.) She may be going in the beginning of the year or in the middle of it. Regardless it'll be hard to see her go.

Other than that, I'm worried I'll waste my vacation somehow doing nothing. So hopefully I'll remember to make a nice big to-do list for myself.

For this past week or two I have been quite somber... Or at least I have never really realized so many emotions/opinions in such a short time. Maybe that's just growing up for you.

No title 'cause I can't think!

Listening to: "Simply Being Loved (Somnambulist)" - BT

I know I still owe a post about Salvador and my project/school fair, but that'll be later. News of today is that I recieved a fancy invitation to a 15th birthday party. Turning 15 here in Brazil is like turning 16 in the US. It's a big deal. So if people have the money, they make a whole thing about it and force people follow a formal dress code. I was complaing to my dad that I have nothing fancy except a V-cut, black cotton dress that goes to the knee. I was insistant that it probably would be too simple. My dad disagrees... But whatever. I just want to go-- I've never been to one of those parties. 'Only heard of them.

On other news, I'm studying for test week that's coming up after this weekend. I'm nervous and anxious, and I can't seem to concentrate very long or else I get frantic. So here I am. Blogging and reading NANA and feeling lame.

For no real good reason, I guess. I had a good day today. I went to class as usual, only you could barely consider it class since all we did was sit there and get our notebooks checked and what not. I also recieved a CD from Jessica (one of the girls in my class which I have been trying hard to be friends with) as a "last day of school" thing. I was so happy. But it was weird to think it was the last day of school. I had suddenly realized how much I had gotten used to the school and how much I am willing to continue next year.

I'm mostly feeling down 'cause I managed to miss the 2 days in which my last school's (the school I was in last year) 8th grade class was going to perform their play... and I really wanted to go-- but I just didn't plan. Yesterday I rememberd it was the first day to go, and I should have taken advantage of the fact that it was a holiday, but I only remembered by the time Jessica came over with me... so I couldn't cancel that, and in the end I didn't want to. I thought I had today. But I spaced it out and ended up getting distracted and well, my dad, I know, wasn't very into to taking me (he's had back pain for the past day or 2 for some reason) and well... my guilt only really kicked in when Paula calls me asking if I was going to come.

Anyway... what is, is done... Nothing you can do about it.
GAH. How can I be so childish in these times...? To get all mopey because of some play. But STILL, I was waiting for this darn it.. Why didn't I plan accordingly?! Time just creeps up on you, man. V_V (<-- remember this dude?)

A message for myself? (japanese classes...)

I wanted my Japanese classes to be fun and productive and a nice learning process. I was aware that it would be a bit difficult, since pretty much every week or so we would have 3 hours of class after school (in other words I’d be at school till nearly 6PM) but still… I thought if I had the determination to learn it I could. And it’s not like I can’t by all means. But the time just isn’t enough… I thought I’d be able to deal with it, make the best of it, and still manage to work on my normal studies. I have so far. But now that the course has nearly ended and I only have from tomorrow and the next day, it’s just not enough. Plus I missed two classes.

It’s not the end of the world if I don’t get a certificate. Even if I don’t do very well on the test, I think I’m okay with it. I just wanted to say I learned somehing. Which I did, a little. But really, really? Not very much. Not a lot. It’s just sad.

Yet it’s okay. Because in the end, we do what we do, we get the results most of the time, according to our commitment and dedication and hard work, it goes well (most of the time), and sometimes it just doesn’t work out. It happens. I think that if I gave up on those last 2 classes just because I may see no real decent chance of ending very well, I’d really regret it later. So I think that despite the fact that I may not be doing that great, I at least have gone through most of the course, till the end.

I can always study later. Learn in my own pace. At least I have notes. It's something. It's a foundation.

So if I arrive tomorrow in Japanese class, having to say that I don’t have the written essay or a apresentation done, it’ll be okay. My teacher will be dissapointed, I’ll be dissapointed, but that’s just how it goes—I didn’t do it ahead of time, so those are the consequences and I must accept that.

I’m not going to let something as benine as some japanese course I’ve wanted to do that may have not gone as exellently well as I wanted it to, get me all sulky. Not for very long, at least. It’s not worth it. By the way, I don’t know why I’m even bothering talking about this because its already 9:30PM and I should already be in bed, but heck, I for some reason feel like making this clear to myself… Sometimes I have to put it down in words to make myself sure of my decisions.

So anyway. That’s that. I’ll finish this course in flying colors or not, whatever it may be, I’ll be happy that I at least tried it. Maybe I didn’t try 100% like I should have, maybe I didn’t dedicate myself to it much…. But I went through most of it. I signed up for it. I went to the classes. Made notes. Payed attention most of the time.

At least I didn’t say no. I’m just happy I didn’t turn the offer down. It’s for these reasons and possabilities that I normally turn such a opportunity down, because I think it’ll be too challenging and too much work. But regardless, I’m happy I accepted it.

I think my sleepyness is making me weird. That must be why I feel like taking this so seriously, darn it. It’s just a course… a free one at that. But still. Sometiems the most simplest, most trivial things in our life can change us. Or maybe not. Anyway!

It’s fun to type. I could go on and on and on… But I have to go to sleep now. Tootles.

A mouthful, haha.

My room is a mess. Books are not only spread on the desk, but also on the floor. Clothes are all over my closet (also on the floor). Nothing is organized. Not even my bed is made!

I have to catch up on my studies (including japanese classes). I have to study for up coming tests this week, plus do homework, and hopefully manage to do a written essay about something in Japan... 'Be ready to talk about it tomorrow and even (or better yet: still) study the test coming this wednesday which btw I have not studied for at all (I have not even memorized anything..)

Plus I have to somewhow catch up and learn the rest of my dance steps for the dance festival which just so happens to be this coming Sunday! And did I mention I miss 2 rehearsals? Why..?

Because my dad convinced me to skip 2 classes (aka 2 days of school-- 'though Friday was a holiday. 2 days=Wed + Thurs.) to go on a trip to Salvador! And I do not blame him. I don't regret going completely because in the end, I did agree and did enjoy it. Yes I did. T'was very fun indeed. (But that's another topic all together..)

Yet now I'm totally disoriented... which really sucks to say the least.

...Now my right foot is falling a sleep. Alas, 'tis the stressful (it's all relative, people!) life of a student striving to survive to survive this jungle we call... well, school!

And as you read this seemingly frantic message, you may think: Poor girl, so terribly stressed!

But I am not stressed! I am merely excited. Yes, excited. Excited that so many things are possible and so many things may await! Things that must be conquered, accomplished, created, finished, blossomed...

No, I am not in love.

I just think that despite all the things, responsabilities I may have coming back from this trip, I feel strangely inspired and energetic, because of it.

Like when you feel a rush after drinking coffee. Only I don't like coffee. I just like the smell. Hmmm~ <3 It smells good.

I also feel extremely pleased to be able to finally not lose this kind of train of thought.
So yes.

RECAP of the past few weeks since I have been absent online is:
• The week before last week (aka the week before my trip), I experienced the fair I was talking about earlier. Or at least I meant to talk about it. But as you will find out now, if not before, that project that I had to do made living hell for me (at some times, that is), and I am more than relieved to have it done. More reasons as to why such hell was brought up shall be spoken of in another post/topic as well. (Although I had fun in the end, don't get me wrong~) Anyway! That week was also a bit crazy, as in one of those 2 days of the fair I was bored out of my skull... Or almost! As to why, that shall also be explained later, which much eye-candy to show off.

• Me and my dad's trip to Salvador was great. No doubt it's a beautiful city but like every big city, it's a bit crazy. Don't trust the first signs you see, sometimes. You might just make the wrong turn and get screwed for the next 15 or 5 minutes in traffic (especially in the evening.) All the wonderfulness of Salvador shall be seen and spoken of in another post.

• And yeah. That's the most resumed recap I can do since my last post.

But I can say that yesterday I arrived in the airport, back in Fortaleza around 7:30 PM. Or maybe almost 8:00 PM. 'Also nearly had a heart attack (me + me dad) because we though we had missed the flight back home. We finally run to the departure gate (which had no one in sight), only to tell us that the flight would be delayed a couple minutes due to another plane landing before them, so they had to search for our plane to land or something. Because of all that stress, I even managed to forget the water bottles at the security check up thingy... (Darn those security check-ups, I tell you!)

Today, though, I went to school like a good citizen, but in fear that my math teacher would discover I didn't do any of is excercises, nor had I brought my original math notebook... I was planning to say I forgot it all (my notebook that is), but thank goodness he didn't even bother demanding it today. I need to by Friday though.

Also today I filled out a form (I always seem to get nervous when I have to fill out forms, lol) so I can start voting at my current school building starting next year, instead of somewhere else. Voting, you say? Yes, in Brazil voting is obligatory once you're 17. At 16 it's still optional though. I wish it wasn't mandatory... like in the US.

So I think that sums up about what I have been up to.. Btw, I have 2 sort of recent posts on my writing blog to whoever is interested. :D

P.S. I wrote all this on darn paper, in capitalized letters, and now I just typed it all up... It's like writing it 2 times. Phew. x_x

Heavy-eyed

That is how I feel. Exhausted. I mean, come on! I just got home. At 6 PM...
I had to stay at school after class to have a group meeting on this big project they gave us. There's gonna be a fair and everything. They're making it a big deal-- and even demand a report of our planning. So I've been having to make notes of everything we do in relation to the project (since I volunteered for manager... haha).

So anyway, that meeting went from 12:30 (which is when our classes are done) to almost 3 o'clock. Longer than we wanted, but it was worth it. But the reason why I came home now so late is because once my dad picked me up, we decided to have lunch at the mall and then we ended up staying there till 5 PM. So now I have no hopes of doing any homework today. I won't even try... I don't want too either.

I'm tired. I could sleep right now... OK, maybe not... But I'm really sleepy now. But not enough to goof off, I guess.

As far as news go, I was invited, kinda sorta, to a birthday party this guy in my class is having-- today, that is-- but I don't think I'm going to go. It starts at 8 o'clock, at some restaurant or snack bar and.. well.. if anything-- I don't want to be stuck there with just a crowd of boys. There's a possibility some of the girls in my class may be going, but I'm just... not willing. Not if I'm this tired. But we'll see. Maybe I'll go-- 'just not sure.

This weekend there's a possibility I'll be going to an amusement park with Paula and some others. I don't think I've ever been to a genuine amusement park. Maybe when I was really little. Either way-- it's been a while.

I hope to have better news soon. ;d Oh, and speaking of better news-- I signed up for a Japanese course at my school. Finally the same lady that came in the beginning of the year offering such classes is offering them now, so I immediately put my name on the list, 'cause there's only 20 spaces. I was told there's going to be homework and tests included, but I'm there to learn, right? So it'll be a good way to learn.

Classes will be starting next Tuesday, Wednesday, and Thursday. It makes me a little stressed out, since they also told us that it's a 3 hour class (at least that's what I understood), so well-- that's a LONG TIME. But hopefully this course will be fun too. o__o

Anyway-- as I was saying! I hope to have better news next time I post here, to prove that I am keeping my word and that I want to really change my ways. But right now I just want to get off the computer and get a glass of water. See ya.