I guess one of the reasons why I am not feelings as willing or determined about my tests despite my nervousness and all, is because I am not exactly that very anxious for the end of the year, even for vacation.
Normally I'd pretty much love it, but I think it's because I know so many things will change as this year ends, and a new one begins. Sure, it's a no-brainer, right? But yet... I am not sure I should be sad, happy, scared, or excited. I seem to be feeling all of those every time I think about the things that might go on.
For one thing, I know for sure we will have to move to a new apartment or whatever, since our current apartment has become too expensive.
Yet then my dad has also brought up the issue/possability of moving out of Fortaleza, and that's it's only a question of time and when.
I've also made it seem as if I want to visit my mom in Germany during vacation. Which I do, but her enthusiasm startled me and well, if I manage to (depending if my Brazilian passport can be renewed in time) go to see her, I am sort of aprehensive on what it could bring. It could be bad, or good, or simply both. My image and opinion of my mom has simply changed a lot in my eyes since the past couple years, and I feel worried to know that I've come to find it very difficult to truly trust my mom again. To open up to her again.
In other matters, there's also the sad fact that I will have to see Cristina off, moving all the way to U.S.A., Florida. (Yeah, crazy.) She may be going in the beginning of the year or in the middle of it. Regardless it'll be hard to see her go.
Other than that, I'm worried I'll waste my vacation somehow doing nothing. So hopefully I'll remember to make a nice big to-do list for myself.
For this past week or two I have been quite somber... Or at least I have never really realized so many emotions/opinions in such a short time. Maybe that's just growing up for you.
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10 years ago
1 said miss mademoiselle:
Sad to tell ya, but it's true. That IS growing up for you. It sounds like it, at least, to me, from the little I know of growing up (am I REALLY grown up? I don't feel like it).
I"m really sorry to hear about Christina leaving! That is sad. It is always sad when good friends move away (I would know, man! I miss you!). I suggest throwing a gigantic awesome goodbye party for her or something though (I'm sorry we never did one for you. I still remember mine when I moved away from Badger, it was lovely in a sad way).
The thing with your mother...well, I guess that's what comes with parents being separated. My parents were basically decided they didn't like each other anymore before I was born, so I haven't had to go through such things. It sounds like a difficult thing to manage. But your mother is your MOM, right? You love her. So, I think it will be nice for you to spend time with her, even though you're not so fond of Germany, and even though things might be a bit awkward between you two. It will be a chance for you to make things less awkward. And the trust thing, well, I'd say give her a chance. You might be just holding onto feelings from the past, when actually you haven't seen her in a while, so how can you be sure that you shouldn't trust her? I don't mean to meddle, and I really don't know what I'm talking about, but that's my advice on that - try to make it into something positive and give her a chance. Make the best out of it!
*secretly wishing I could go to Germany, too* Darn!
I suggest writing to vent out your jumbled feelings. Writing in a journal has always helped me. It might help you, too. :)
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